In this moment, I look in the mirror and smile. Delighted and clear I see myself now. I wish I could explain to you, my reader, the complexities of this moment. Of seeing myself. I have known for a long time my perspective limits me. That has been obvious. But I was so attached to all that a made up my viewing angle. I knew but couldn’t release.
I am looking at a transformed being in the mirror. None of the old stuff blocking my view. I see life. My life. Full and powerful. Alive. Precious. A gift. No point, no use in anything but digging into it. Let go and fall full into who I am, who we are.
It is not a switch – changing perspective, releasing and seeing is a gift. Earth has it ready. Earth knows what it is and what it has done is marvelous. This knowledge is in us. We are Earth’s beings after all.
This may be the first time I have looked in the mirror and smiled curious and knowing. In love. This is right. I am here. I am Earth’s. I am limited. I am in love with it.
I know this may not last. My own life. Or the things or people in it that make my home right now. It could all change. In a moment. Heartbreak and tragedy. I know and I accept the unknown. I have released after all. Floating with my flow. The twists and rocks will too be worth my attention when they come.
I don’t demand happiness forever, suffering never. Both weave and overwhelm all life here. My turn will likely come. I only ask I show up when it does. I only hope I stay engaged.
There is something about knowing my place on Earth that makes me very attentive to now. I know my life is limited. My family and home are precious. Humans are parasites mostly but somehow can also be life giving and reciprocal creatures. I know my contribution to all the rot. I know so much of who I am is just being human. I am like the rest of us. I know this baby may not make it out of me. And if he does, he may be growing up in a different world, rough and feral. I know the wind moves my soul and my dogs still drink in the sun on warm days. I know I am part of a long story. I know I am in no place to judge it. I know I honor Earth best when I am all that is inside of me and notice all outside of me.
That knowledge is the root of my power. I think a very valuable superpower – to see one’s self with joy, to see ourself, Earth and all, with joy.
It is the power I have found by walking my path. I implore you, dear reader, walk yours. We are similar, human that we are, but different. I wonder what other lays in wait. Reach down and touch it. Let it spark as your finger finds it. You each are in need of each other.
And do you know what I think as I glance at myself – I am beautiful. Not in any of the ways we tend to mean when we say beautiful. I mean – looking at me I am see a being. And that being is mine. And I see a spark in my eyes and smirk on my face like I know what is up and exactly what I am capable of. Because in this moment, just this exact moment, I do.
Here is my how. I no longer see all the things I wish I were, I see only what I am, at least in this very moment. Because right now, that is all I want to see. Let’s start there, with the want.
For a long time my want was to feel good. I understood fun could get me good feelings. Indulgences too. I also understood for a good a little more substantial it would require being or doing good. Just figuring out what that was and then making the right choices. I dreamed of who I wanted to be and I just needed to execute.
I never could, never did. I didn’t find my perfect good here. I spent a lot of time on this path.
No quick switch off this dead end. Just years of realizing my pursuit was off. Everything built on itself. One day my want became to be enough as I am. Chasing a fantasy, only believing in my happiness when I could be someone else, someone I wasn’t, someone who doesn’t exist, that wasn’t working. The poor logic and lie of it became clearer. That was still years ago. Plagued by insufficiency and old thought patterns. Time, growth, Earth, me – we all moved forward. I found my way.
My progress never felt sufficient of course. I thought I was failing.
But a little bit ago, a message came and kept coming – go into body. Learn what being is like from body’s perspective, not just brain’s.
And my wants sank into a deeper and more powerful part of me. I stopped worrying about my path and just walked. Trusting. Not knowing.
The flaming feather came next. Told me to retain my energy. Showed me my cracks. How all my energy pours out of them away from me. I am now healing them. And I swirl with the complexities of myself. Inviting them, making space for them, as they are. Slow, slow growth. The hard moments, the old deficiencies, they don’t surprise me so much anymore. I let them in. See if I can do anything and say thanks to all the good work I did before they stopped by. They will pass. They are life too.
I wanted to be a joy to myself. This past hour – I have been. A thorough and powerful joy. Body awake and grateful to be here.
I implore you, my reader, walk your path. No need to measure it. Trust it. In sometime you will find new power, new life. Let that be your best magic.
-El An Gilman-