I sit here unsatisfied. Hungry in a way I have often been. I crave accomplishment. To transform parts of my life. Sadly, this feeling won’t be transformative. It will be short lived. It pairs with energy only for a couple of hours, then with disappointment. Because my energy will fade and today can’t hold transformation through accomplishment. It is holding other things like afternoon plans with family and the lead up to work tomorrow. This isn’t the start of a day or days of blank slates, free for transformation. This is the start of a Sunday in my life.
Which means I know how this story goes. If I pursue accomplishment today, the impactful kind I crave right now, I will be frustrated with time passing, upset at myself when my energy falls, and displeased with the routine of my life.
So I won’t pick up the fork to eat a cake I know I can’t even enjoy properly.
I’ll let the desire to do something grand, to make a few big strides sit. Because I sense a potential for this all playing out well if I step firmly into the reality around me and inside of me. If I own my world today and honor it, and this desire sticks around, maybe I will take a few days off to really engage with it. Maybe I find my blank slate with enough time to dig into an area or two I want progress in while still honoring and connecting with my body.
Which means today, what can today offer me and I offer it. I know I have some doing energy. I know I need to bring my body into the forefront. I know I need to release myself into the routine of my life.
Let’s take a those one at a time. I can either make progress on a project or engage with maintenance care. Progress tasks might look like building the shed with my partner, shopping for an outfit for our approaching ceremony, sharpening my knives, mending my clothes. Huh, that isn’t that long of a list. I mean there is plenty more but they all fall after the garage project to keep our spinning plates manageable. Maintenance tasks are laundry, cleaning, cooking, all pretty standard and important. I will see what draws me in when it is time.
My body, my body, my body. Oh how my brain loves to play superior ruler over you. But we are learning better. My brain is just a piece of you, a part of my body which all together is what experiences and is this existence. And that is about where we are at in our journey. Just starting to see there is a journey worth taking ahead. I know I need to find reciprocity between brain and the rest of my body. I know the rest of my body needs space, time, and attention. I know deep breathing helps me move slower and with more intention. And I feel like a complete beginner where the path, destination, way points I mean to travel are all shrouded in mist.
Oh, I guess that is the point. I can’t see, assess, and plan my way forward. I get to close my eyes, take a deep breath, move slowly and feel my way forward. Fuck.
Ok, then I won’t plan how to incorporate my body into today. But I will try to pause with it. Let it derail plans. Let it get involved.
Finally, my life as routine. To sink into the life I have that has consistent patterns. Dogs, work, cook, clean, sleep, play, family, maintain. And let’s pleay it all again shall we.
I love this life. I have immense gratitude for it. But sometimes the routine gets to me. Sometimes I crave transformation. But I know, I know, real transformation, real capacity come form showing up to today. And since I choose this life and am excited for it, I must turn into it, not away, not fight it. I want to love celebrating my partner’s little sister’s birthday today. I want to love caring for my dogs and watching them run free. Not bemoan it and be miserable doing it. To turn into routine I probably should take these doggos to the park we love so much. It will take an hour to two of our time. And we will be tired when we get home. But this is our life and I will pick up this fork, tuck in my napkin and dig into the balanced and complex plate sitting in front of me of do, be, and embrace.
As always, my reader, sitting here, writing you, has led me right along the path I want to be on. Thank you for the momentum and this moment.
-El An Gilman-